Well, do what you preach, right? All summer I have been telling my boyfriends kids to go out and try new things, meet some people their own age… Tonight I could have done the same thing, but I didn’t. “Why”, I asked myself, “did I not take the time to go?” I busied myself all day with nothing around the house and when I emerged from the shower it was too late. I had a total of 15min to be ready and walk out the door. I was in a towel, half lotioned and the dog still needed tending to. I sabotaged a perfectly great opportunity to mingle and meet people who may have similar interests. If anything I may have learned what it was that drove a fellow writer into showbiz.
I was to attend a panel for the Netflix show “Orange is the New Black.” Jenji Kohen, creator, was supposed to be there. It would have been nice to hear her talk. There was a reception following the panel and I may have been able to mingle and meet some new cool people. I freaked out, silently inside and basically couldn’t leave the house. I felt like I wouldn’t know what to say, or that I wouldn’t have anything in common with them because I am not successful.
WAIT!! What? It was in this moment I found myself doubting who I am and what I have accomplished thus far. I started to think what the bigger issue may be, and realized I am feeling more displaced than ever before. I realized that I am totally alone–and not in a good way. Destructive alone-ness. Not a good place to be, so I did what any one in my shoes would do, I looked up an AA meeting. It hit me that I don’t need to be alone and that I can share my feelings anonymously in a meeting.
I am in a new city, and my only friend is my boyfriend. I need to get out and find a life outside my life before I end up codependent. I don’t want to lose myself, I like me way too much. I started to think about what I did before I moved, and I don’t like what I came up with. NOTHING. No wonder I am feeling displaced, I don’t know what to do with myself–physically and mentally.
YA YA, last few years I was in school, graduating, pretty big deal. It kept me busy, but what about before that. OH thats right, I was at the bars drinking. Socializing all the time with cocktails in my hands. It was easy to stay away from it all when I was studying, but now, in a new city, no friends, no social life, no existence to the outside world–beyond Facebook, if that even counts… I am finding that I am losing steam, drive, motivation. This is a little scary.
I learned how to live without the alcohol, meaning not drink. But now I am finding that I need to learn how to live with myself without the distractions. What is it that is stopping me from pursuing success, not by anyone else’s standards but my own. Why am I not doing what I really want to do? Do I even know what I really want to do?
Yes, Yes I do. I want to write, be educated, teach others to live up to their potential… hmmmmm, can’t do that unless I am doing it. Coulda, woulda, shoulda… will leave you crying, wondering. I guess next time I will go to the “panel” no matter how displaced I feel, its better than missing out on life.