What’s It Going To Take To Kill Me

I was reading something the other day, the only thing that stuck out and lingered with me was the relayed message, and not verbatim, What is it in your life which you love so much that you’re willing to let it kill you. The article was a basic run down on jobs, work, hobbies and living one’s life under the regard of love. After reading this, even days later, I wondered what in this world do I like doing so much that it transfers to love — I love it so much that it will kill me. Not literally stick a knife through my heart, but what is it in this world that I will do no-matter-what because I love it so much, I will die happy doing it???? Never minding rejection, time, payment, etc.

As I continue to ponder this killing love, I can’t help but think, “Duh Corrie, Writing.” But is that what I really want, I don’t know, because lately I have not been writing. In fact the more I focus on My Love, the more I can’t write. Nothing comes to mind, and I feel like, “Who would want to read it anyways.” Perhaps this is my problem. I don’t feel it, I don’t feel that what I have to say or write about would matter to anyone but me — when did that start to weigh in.

At this point in my life my writing is all I have to work with, it’s the only thing I can think about, and it’s not just a thought any more. It has manifested and taken over my brain. My mind space feels so small.

I keep saying over and over again, “Write Corrie, write. Write something, anything.”  I am almost sure that I am not the only writer in this world who comes to this point in their journey. However, others keep going, get published and make a career out of it.

Am I scared? Do I not have the confidence I thought I did? Am I changing, or dying inside? Why do I not take the bull by the horns and go for it, give it my all. In the past I lived life by the seat of my pants and wrote about it. Why is it different now? If I love writing so much why am I ignoring it, running away from it? And what is it going to take to let it kill me?

I suppose if I am going to let it kill me, I should stop running from it — easier said than done I’m sure, however, I must not be too far away. The daunting thoughts about practicing and exercising my muscle (writing) are grabbing at my heels. I am realizing that running away is slowing me down, weighing me down, making me more still and lifeless. What do I want, the writing to kill me or the thought of it. When presented in those terms, seems like the choice I will make is obvious. Right?

I’m at my crossroads, let the caterpillar turn into the butterfly.

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One thought on “What’s It Going To Take To Kill Me

  1. Well you do know and understand that many go through this, and many come to the very same crossroads but some under different circumstances, but never the less it is still a difficult choice to figure out. So being that said “your not alone” right, lol… I think your a wonderful writer and that’s not coming from your auntie but from my own feelings aside from familial. I think that you need to not push this issue, your feelings of a writing desire will return on it’s own time. If it does not then you wont miss it, for you will have found a replacement and wont even notice that writing has been replaced (at first). But that creativity you possess in you of that wonderful world of literary art is strong and you just have to give it some time to surface again. So what if no one wants to read your work, friends and family are never the one to submit your work to, strangers that are into reading strangers work is always best for reading your work, just keep working on it and don’t concern yourself about the little stuff. I know that is one of my concerns as to why I wont even try to write, hell I don’t even want to read my shit what to speak of others reading it, lol lol… I love you baby.. your awesome and when you become famous don’t for get your favorite auntie. 😉

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