I don’t own a car, house, I have no children and never been married. Oh yeah, I am currently without a career too. Am I supposed to have all this by the time I turn 40 years old? Seems like it, the ladies in my workout class have families, careers — they own businesses and homes. I look at them and then look at myself and wonder if I have done it all wrong.
Yesterday I picked up my life partner from work and told him, “I’m having a hard day. I hate my body, my life, the fact I don’t work right now — I don’t know what I want to do, or how to do it, I feel like a loser. An ugly loser.”
He tried to console me, but I sat and sulked anyway. I yelled at him actually to not talk, not say anything to me, to leave me in my cesspool of shit. He did, for a while — but it was dinner time.
“Are we still eating tonight?” he asked. NO matter how low I get, life still proceeds.
As I made dinner I realized that I was being a real bitch. Not so much to my Boo, but to myself. If someone else had told me I was a fat loser, my response would not have been too kind — I would have told them where to go. So why would I allow myself to break my own heart and soul. Because I really don’t hate myself. I have worked so hard to love my life and choices and be kind to my mind, body and soul. Am I really going to let myself down because I don’t compare to these outsider expectations of where I am supposed to be in my life due to age?
I have experienced the kind of life most people only see in the movies, and I have worked hard to get there. I am a beautiful woman inside and out. I am so sorry for letting myself get caught up in the idea that I had to be doing something different associated by some kind of social design.
Today I have been going over my choices, good and not so good, and I am noticing just how cool I am. Not because I do or don’t have things/jobs/kids to show, but because I am learning who I am without the usual outline, and am still solid in my heart’s desires.
I am turning 40 tomorrow, and I have nothing that my bootcamp ladies have, but perhaps I have something they don’t have. And being 40 is just an age, a number to show how long I have been on earth, nothing more. I am as young or as old as I will choose to be, and at 40 I will still wear my converse, ballerina skirts, and crazy hair. I will continue to navigate my life in a way that makes me happy and if society can’t handle it, well, I don’t care. We live in a day where life is what you make it, and the best birthday gift I could give myself is courage and confidence to continue on my path.
I have to admit I am changing, but that’s what happens anyways. Change is the only thing constant in life, so I will embrace my changes hold onto my youth and believe growing old gracefully isn’t a part of my vocabulary — at least not by any modern definition.
Happy Birthday Corrie. I hope the next 40 years are just as exciting, fun, and explorative as the last!!
3 thoughts on “The Big 40”
Oh man, you brought back a lot of memories for me with this post. I remember feeling this very same way a couple years back. It didn’t seem like the life I had chosen was worth the effort anymore. I felt like a waste of space too.
It’s amazing how hard we are on ourselves, and if others treated us the way we treated ourselves, we wouldn’t put up with that shit. Sorry, when I get passionate about something, my alter ego comes out. She was a sailor. Quite the potty mouth.
Anyway, I’m glad you realized, you’re the only person whose opinion matters when it comes to your life and the choices you’ve made. If you’re happy with those choices and the way your life has turned out, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else things.
Cheers and I look forward to reading your work.
Oh, I almost forgot, happy birthday! 🙂
Thanks, so much. I guess it’s nice to know when not alone, but I’m sorry you had to feel that too!!